Paula Dempsey, alias Mystic Moo,
predicts your gaming future.
Whether Shoggoth, Cugel or Orc, we roleplayers are born under different
stars to normal folk – discover you RPG star sign and learn your fate.
Orcs 21 March – 20
Your pathetic attempt to convince the rest of
your gaming group that you are the hard man of the zodiac falls flat this
month as Mars, your ruling planet, enters the constellation of Throw Rug
Major. Guess it will take more than rolling a critical on the dragon
killing table and nabbing that last bit of pizza when no-one’s looking.
Lucky gem dice color for this month: hot pink.
Gurps 21 April – 21
Your essentially mutable nature is especially active this
month, and you may feel the need to experiment with different identities.
This could involve dabbling with Vampire: The Masquerade but if you carry
out the appropriate occult rituals (or just roll 3D6) you might be OK.
Either way, avoid muskrats. Lucky gem dice color for this month: anything but black.
Shoggoth 22 May – 21
Don’t you think it’s about time you stopped being squamous and
issuing vague and eldritch threats? Everyone’s well bored with you and
you’re not going to get a date that way – let’s be honest, slime smells.
Jupiter, bringer of jollity, enters your sign this month and gives you
permission to lighten up. The stars are right for bowling or maybe
inviting your friends round for tea and scones. Lucky gem dice color for
this month: slime green, but sparkly slime green.
Frodo 22 June – 22
Having the Moon as your ruling planet can cause periods
of vagueness and you spend much of this month searching for something. If
you don’t know what it is, don’t ask me. What do you think I am, bleedin’
psychic? Wear furry slippers forextra luck on the 25th. Lucky gem dice
color for this month: gold.
Werewolf 23 July – 22
You should be reassured that while the Moon does not
appear in your horoscope this month, Mercury, the planet of intelligence
and communication, does. This encourages you to be more outgoing. Why
don’t you use your toothbrush, dog-breath, then call in to your local
games store and buy something. That is, if you aren’t still barred for
biting that tasty new assistant on your last visit. Lucky gem dice color for this month: tawny.
Cugel 23 August – 23 September
[Dates edited to ensure that the Editor is a
Well, aren’t you just the charmer of the zodiac? You’re a
silver-tongued rogue at the best of times, but with Venus in your house of
partnerships you’re unstoppable. Take care, though, or your flirtatious
nature could lead to a nasty run in with a jealous rival on the 4th.
Probably best to avoid sexually frustrated doxies, but consider giving
your mobile number to any lonely astrologers. Lucky gem dice color for
this month: what else but red, tiger?
Ninja 24 September - 23 October What
are you doing here? That's the trouble with you Ninjas, always hiding your
light under a bushel. With Jupiter entering your sign this month, you need
to be big bold and brash. So drop the little black number and go for
stilettos and lamé. Beware of rival clans on the 12th, a sharpened kitten
heel can do a lot of damage to your new hairdo. Lucky gem dice colour for
this month: be proud, be loud, be bold, go gold!
Vampire 24 October –
Halloween falls into your sign and you love all
that spooky stuff, don’t you? Unfortuately Uranus, the planet of surprise
and change, enters your sign this month and wreaks havoc. You feel the
need to wear a Burberry check shell suit and skip your regular goth club
night in favour of taking your nan to bingo. Lucky gem dice color for this
month: black, to remind you what you’re missing.
Dork 23 November – 21
Born in the depths of winter and with Saturn, the
planet of discipline and restraint, in your house of public life it’s no
wonder you don’t get out much. In fact, it’s just as well as everyone
hates you. So indulge yourself this month. Buy a packet of Rich Tea from
the Co-op on your way home from the laundrette on the 16th. Lucky gem dice
color for this month: pale blue, then at least you’ll have one thing that looks cool.
Ranger – 22 December
– 20 January
Yours is the sign of spiritual growth and deep
intellect. Many rangers express themselves by wandering in wild
countryside and indulging in rural pursuits such as hunting and not
washing. This month is a good time to do that, but ensure that disruption
caused by the Sun, that mischievous planet of vitality and personality,
doesn’t cause you to go completely over the top. Consider eschewing blood
sports in favor of more sedate activities. Maybe you could take an evening
class in vegetarian cookery? And put that elf down… I said, put that
****in’ elf down… Lucky gem dice color for this month: green. You could use thecamouflage.
Traveller – 20
January – 19 February
Neptune brings the gift of intuition and
fantasy into your sign this month. Time to visualize what you want and use
the power of positive thinking to make it yours. Your imagination is so
keen on the 17th that you are able to design a whole new set of deck plans
for a Starcruiser Series 20 without breaking into a sweat. And your
intuition is strong enough for you to know exactly when to accidentally on
purpose drop your dice on the floor and have another go. Lucky gem dice
color for this month: cosmic purple.
Cthulhu 20 February –
You think the stars are right? Oh no, this is bad.
This is very bad. OK, don’t go out, don’t even attempt to surface from the
deep and please, please don’t listen to any rituals, even if they are
elegantly worded by erudite chaos wizards. Most importantly, stay away
from me and my hamster. I mean it… Lucky gem dice color for this month:
that yellow one in the corner has an elder sign on it. Suggest you pick it up.
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