Welcome to 2005! We at Moo Mansion have used the stars to guide our New
Year's Resolutions. Let Mystic Moo put you on the astral path to a successful
New Year!
Orcs 21 March 20 April
Your resolution is the same this
year as last year and the year before and the year before that... You want to
hit more things, more often, harder and with nastier weapons. This is laudable
and should go down a treat at your gaming group but probably not in your local
pet shop. I suggest you stick with what you know. Resolutions to improve in
other ways are doomed to failure.
Gurps 21 April 21 May
Gurps are the shapeshifters of
the zodiac. One minute 23rd century starship trooper, the next Victorian
gentleman or sexy elf. You find it easy to make resolutions, but these are
frequently scuppered by the irritating Gurps trait of actually forgetting who
you are. Faced with a double mega choccie doughnut with sprinkles you say to
yourself "I'm on a diet, but Augustus Hobbit isn't". Unfortunately, it's not
Augustus who piles on the pounds. Bless you for the power of your
imagination.
Shoggoth 22 May 21 June
Any Shoggoths with an interest
in Chinese astrology (so that's not many, then) will know that the Chinese New
Year next month marks the start of the Year of the Rooster, with the element of
wood. Wood Rooster years are characterised by their peacefulness. That's you
****ed. Your resolution for this year should probably be world domination by
around the 31st January. After that you have no option but to lay low. Thank
heavens.
Frodo 22 June 22 July
You have resolved to travel this
year. This is a positive step as travel broadens the mind and too much time in
the Shire fosters a small-town mentality. Frodos really are the wanderers of the
zodiac, but having Venus in your house of travel does mean you let romantic
views of foreign climes cloud your judgement. Picking up trinkets on your
journey could lead to unexpected problems. Don't say I didn't warn you. Have
fun, take companions, buy maps and travel insurance.
Werewolf 23 July 22 August
You are the only sign in the
RPG zodiac that should resolve NOT to change. Nuff said.
Cugel 23 August 23 September
Cugels have all resolved
to be even more charming this year. This is bad. A New Year's resolution should
be about change, not just the same old same old. Plus, if you get any more
smarmy you'll start to slime like the Shoggoths. Why not resolve to do something
useful for a change? My lawn needs mowing...
Ninja 24 September - 23 October
Pluto
is in the part of your horoscope which governs how you appear to other people
and will stay there for at least the first six months of 2005. You will absorb
Pluto's mysterious essence and become even more secretive and, well, downright
sneaky. You'll be lucky to keep any resolutions past the beginning of February
and partners of Ninjas should watch out for those soundless glides to the
kitchen at 4am for a sausage sarnie or that surreptitious ciggie in the back
garden. While you're out there, could you just check that Cugel is getting on
with the mowing?
[Editor's note: We apologize to all Dorks and Vampires, as
we muddled up your dates last month. John Kovalic, of Dork Tower fame has a
birthday on 14th November, so quite clearly we were wrong he has to be a Dork.
This was the fault of your humble editor and not Mystic Moo, who of course knew
this would happen.]
Dork 24 October - 22 NovemberIf ever a sign was in need of
self-improvement it's the Dorks. The problem is you just know you're already
perfect. Your computer confirms it every morning and your mum thinks you're
lovely. Resolve to make small lifestyle changes this year. Maybe wear a tie
without egg stains to work on Mondays, try salad instead of McDonald's once a
month, read one book that's not by Piers Anthony, that kind of thing. Good luck.
You'll need it.
Vampire 23 November - 21 December
You're the sign most in
touch with your mystic side, partly because only coming out during the hours of
darkness means you see the stars more than the rest of us. The stars advise you
to curb your ambition and wake up and smell the coffee this year. Resolve to get
up a bit earlier, maybe. A bright light in the sky in early January awakens your
preternatural senses and forms the basis of your new religious cult. Red faces
all round in February when you find out it's the top of a new cellphone
transmitter.
Ranger 22 December 20 January
Because they are so in
tune with nature, Rangers tend to be sensitive to changes in the seasons and are
in virtual hibernation at this time of year, only venturing out bear-like on
sunny days to stock up on pizzas and other essentials. New Year's resolutions
are beyond your torpid brain, so don't worry too much. You could resolve to use
new fangled devices like electric light and central heating, maybe. Or just stay
under the duvet until Spring. That sounds good, actually. Room for two?
Traveller 20 January 19 February
Travellers are the
kings of positive thinking. Any task or action you set yourself this year will
be achieved. You're an inspiration to us all. This is how you do it and manage
to piss off hard-working astrologers at the same time. You simply visualise
hopping into that there Series 20 Starcruiser and heading off to another part of
the galaxy where the stars align to signify success. I suggest you add to your
list of resolutions one about being so darn smug.
Burrows 20 February 20 March
An error in a 16th century
Italian astrological tome has been corrected. The sign formerly known as Cthulhu
has now been redrawn as a giant rabbit entering her burrow. Former Cthulhus will
count this a successful year if they come to terms with this fact. Some tips for
you: resolve to do less sleeping, less dreaming and beat that craving for
eldritch incantations with some of that gum you can only get from pharmacies.
The attributes of your star sign will make you more active, a little jumpy and
inordinately fond of lettuce. 2005 bodes well for dieters,
then.
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