Paula Dempsey, alias Mystic Moo, predicts your gaming future.
Whether Shoggoth, Cugel or Orc, we roleplayers are born under different stars
to normal folk discover you RPG star sign and learn your fate.
Although the sun shines outside, I confidently predict the return of Autumn.
And how will the first horoscope of Summer affect your sign?
Orcs 21 March 20 April
July marks a major transition point for Orcs. Having Mars as your
ruling planet means your primary motivation is to hit things, hit them hard
and make sure they don't get up again. As the Sun moves into your fifth house
you feel the need to take your urges outside, as it were, and hit things
out of doors. A good month to take up pastimes such as cricket and baseball.
Take care if driving, though.
Gurps 21 April 21 May
Saturn moves into your eighth house on 19th July. As this is the
part of your horoscope concerned with matters of money, sex and death I suggest
you consider the following: Under no circumstances should you take your favourite
D&D character adventuring on that day. Should you ignore this advice,
I can personally guarantee that you will get at best a bloody nose and at
worst your new character will have the stats of a one-legged weasel following
Grumpo the Dwarf's grisly demise at the claws of a big red dragon. Adding
insult to injury, the rest of your gaming group will contrive to be in the
little hobbit's room when the delivery guy calls, leaving you to foot the
bill for ten mega-sized pizzas. Best not to game that night. Or have sex…
Shoggoth 22 May 21 June
As predicted in January, Shoggoths are having a rather subdued year.
Your ruling planet, which is so damn freaky we astrologers haven't actually
named it yet, is lurking somewhere at the edge of the Milky Way and, quite
frankly, it can stay there. Take time for introspection this month. Look
at your life and how you can make it more fulfilling. Shoggoths can be their
own worst enemies at times, especially those times when they menace other
life forms and threaten the destruction of life as we know it. This doesn't
make you sympathetic characters. Think about how you could turn your life
around; maybe take up voluntary work, get a puppy, that kind of thing.
Frodo 22 June 22 July
Spring in the air! And Frodos do springing best. Comes of being
only three feet high. Your excitable nature comes to the fore this month
- you have big ideas for such a little dude. Mars in your second house has
given you the impetus to get going, but Frodos tire easily and you could
easily overdo it. Take particular care on the 14th, especially if using
escalators. If not, you could end up with minor abrasions and having your
feet shaved to get them out of the mechanism.
Werewolf 23 July 22 August
Werewolves will be looking forward to the full moon on the 25th
- which, as always, signifies a change for you. This month you are particularly
concerned with career matters. It's increasingly difficult getting to the
office on time after a heavy night, and colleagues are starting to ask questions
about the rabbit fur between your teeth. Buy floss and mouth wash or think
about changing to night work in an isolated place out of doors. Werewolves
have a unique selling point that security companies just love - once a month
the German Shepherd gets a night off.
Cugel 23 August 23 September
Venus enters your second house on 3rd July. This is the area of
your sign concerned with material possessions and self-esteem. The two weeks
it stays there is a great time to abandon your regular game of Traveller
and go shopping instead. Visits to your local game store could yield some
excellent bargains. If you really can't bear to give up your regular gaming
night, I suggest you play Dying Earth. Four hours where YOU are the hero
- how can you resist?
Ninja 24 September - 23 October
Always sneaky, this month you become downright vicious. Dice are
surreptitiously re-rolled and things go on behind that DM's screen that would
not be talked of in polite society. Towards the end of the month your gaming
group will feel the need to retaliate, especially if you owe them for all
that beer you drank. Use your heightened senses to look for traps such as
cling-film on the loo seat or buckets of unpleasant substances balanced on
doors. Or just say sorry and blame the stars.
Dork 24 October - 22 November
The moon has moved into your fourth house, which is where your karma lives.
Dorks, bless them, are born with a great deal of bad karma and are destined
to spend much of this earthly incarnation paying it back. This is why you
have Duran Duran on your iPod instead of the White Stripes, work in cubicle
hell and can never get a date on a Friday night. I would sympathise except
that in your next life you'll probably be wildly successful while I'll come
back as a cosmically aware one-legged weasel.
Vampire 23 November - 21 December
Poor you. As Summer beckons you want to go into a kind of reverse
hibernation. It's no surprise that you have travel on your mind this month.
A long holiday in the Antarctic could be just what the witchdoctor ordered.
On the upside, a long-term astrological trend for you between late March
and early September lends a heightened sense of personal safety. Visualise
your guardian angel, enveloped in silver light, reaching out to hold you
in his protective aura. Of course, it could just be that long black cloaks
show up better on light nights.
Ranger 22 December 20 January
You really are the dancing daffodil of the zodiac this month. Springtime
sights and smells fill your senses and give you a new sense of well being.
Your gaming patterns may become variable as you head out and about, eschewing
five hours of D&D in favour of camping in the Cairngorms. Perhaps you
could take your gaming group with you, they could probably do with an airing.
Two things - remember to wrap up warmly and also playing knock down ginger
on Vampires at 6:30am is VERY WRONG!!!
Traveller 20 January 19 February
Unusually for Travellers, you feel a strange urge to settle down
this month. You've temporarily parked your Series 20 Starcruiser and are
more mindful of roots than routes. You might move house or at least do some
home improvements. Turning your attention to matters domestic buys brownie
points with partners. Think ahead - a little wallpapering now could lead
to a long and happy GenCon later.
Burrows 20 February 20 March
Burrows like the summer. It's warm enough to get out and do a spot
of frolicking and it's the mating season. For Burrows born in July now is
the time to party like its 2099. However, Burrows have both gregarious and
anxious tendencies, so it's not all happy, happy, joy, joy. Those with July
birthdays will probably be feeling a sense of impending doom. Especially,
for some reason, those born in the 1960s. This is perfectly normal for your
sign, and should pass once the cake arrives. If not, it won't last past the
sixth glass of chardonnay.
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