RPG Astrology

Paula Dempsey, alias Mystic Moo, predicts your gaming future.

Whether Shoggoth, Cugel or Orc, we roleplayers are born under different stars to normal folk – discover you RPG star sign and learn your fate.

Although the sun shines outside, I confidently predict the return of Autumn. And how will the first horoscope of Summer affect your sign?

Orcs 21 March – 20 April
July marks a major transition point for Orcs. Having Mars as your ruling planet means your primary motivation is to hit things, hit them hard and make sure they don't get up again. As the Sun moves into your fifth house you feel the need to take your urges outside, as it were, and hit things out of doors. A good month to take up pastimes such as cricket and baseball. Take care if driving, though.

Gurps 21 April – 21 May
Saturn moves into your eighth house on 19th July. As this is the part of your horoscope concerned with matters of money, sex and death I suggest you consider the following: Under no circumstances should you take your favourite D&D character adventuring on that day. Should you ignore this advice, I can personally guarantee that you will get at best a bloody nose and at worst your new character will have the stats of a one-legged weasel following Grumpo the Dwarf's grisly demise at the claws of a big red dragon. Adding insult to injury, the rest of your gaming group will contrive to be in the little hobbit's room when the delivery guy calls, leaving you to foot the bill for ten mega-sized pizzas. Best not to game that night. Or have sex…

Shoggoth 22 May – 21 June
As predicted in January, Shoggoths are having a rather subdued year. Your ruling planet, which is so damn freaky we astrologers haven't actually named it yet, is lurking somewhere at the edge of the Milky Way and, quite frankly, it can stay there. Take time for introspection this month. Look at your life and how you can make it more fulfilling. Shoggoths can be their own worst enemies at times, especially those times when they menace other life forms and threaten the destruction of life as we know it. This doesn't make you sympathetic characters. Think about how you could turn your life around; maybe take up voluntary work, get a puppy, that kind of thing.

Frodo 22 June – 22 July
Spring in the air! And Frodos do springing best. Comes of being only three feet high. Your excitable nature comes to the fore this month - you have big ideas for such a little dude. Mars in your second house has given you the impetus to get going, but Frodos tire easily and you could easily overdo it. Take particular care on the 14th, especially if using escalators. If not, you could end up with minor abrasions and having your feet shaved to get them out of the mechanism.

Werewolf 23 July – 22 August
Werewolves will be looking forward to the full moon on the 25th - which, as always, signifies a change for you. This month you are particularly concerned with career matters. It's increasingly difficult getting to the office on time after a heavy night, and colleagues are starting to ask questions about the rabbit fur between your teeth. Buy floss and mouth wash or think about changing to night work in an isolated place out of doors. Werewolves have a unique selling point that security companies just love - once a month the German Shepherd gets a night off.

Cugel 23 August – 23 September
Venus enters your second house on 3rd July. This is the area of your sign concerned with material possessions and self-esteem. The two weeks it stays there is a great time to abandon your regular game of Traveller and go shopping instead. Visits to your local game store could yield some excellent bargains. If you really can't bear to give up your regular gaming night, I suggest you play Dying Earth. Four hours where YOU are the hero - how can you resist?

Ninja 24 September - 23 October
Always sneaky, this month you become downright vicious. Dice are surreptitiously re-rolled and things go on behind that DM's screen that would not be talked of in polite society. Towards the end of the month your gaming group will feel the need to retaliate, especially if you owe them for all that beer you drank. Use your heightened senses to look for traps such as cling-film on the loo seat or buckets of unpleasant substances balanced on doors. Or just say sorry and blame the stars.

Dork 24 October - 22 November
The moon has moved into your fourth house, which is where your karma lives. Dorks, bless them, are born with a great deal of bad karma and are destined to spend much of this earthly incarnation paying it back. This is why you have Duran Duran on your iPod instead of the White Stripes, work in cubicle hell and can never get a date on a Friday night. I would sympathise except that in your next life you'll probably be wildly successful while I'll come back as a cosmically aware one-legged weasel.

Vampire 23 November - 21 December
Poor you. As Summer beckons you want to go into a kind of reverse hibernation. It's no surprise that you have travel on your mind this month. A long holiday in the Antarctic could be just what the witchdoctor ordered. On the upside, a long-term astrological trend for you between late March and early September lends a heightened sense of personal safety. Visualise your guardian angel, enveloped in silver light, reaching out to hold you in his protective aura. Of course, it could just be that long black cloaks show up better on light nights.

Ranger – 22 December – 20 January
You really are the dancing daffodil of the zodiac this month. Springtime sights and smells fill your senses and give you a new sense of well being. Your gaming patterns may become variable as you head out and about, eschewing five hours of D&D in favour of camping in the Cairngorms. Perhaps you could take your gaming group with you, they could probably do with an airing. Two things - remember to wrap up warmly and also playing knock down ginger on Vampires at 6:30am is VERY WRONG!!!

Traveller – 20 January – 19 February
Unusually for Travellers, you feel a strange urge to settle down this month. You've temporarily parked your Series 20 Starcruiser and are more mindful of roots than routes. You might move house or at least do some home improvements. Turning your attention to matters domestic buys brownie points with partners. Think ahead - a little wallpapering now could lead to a long and happy GenCon later.

Burrows 20 February – 20 March
Burrows like the summer. It's warm enough to get out and do a spot of frolicking and it's the mating season. For Burrows born in July now is the time to party like its 2099. However, Burrows have both gregarious and anxious tendencies, so it's not all happy, happy, joy, joy. Those with July birthdays will probably be feeling a sense of impending doom. Especially, for some reason, those born in the 1960s. This is perfectly normal for your sign, and should pass once the cake arrives. If not, it won't last past the sixth glass of chardonnay.

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