Mystic Moo's Convention Guide
Editor's note: The introduction to this column is a little bit British-centric. We have included links for those not familiar with recent bovine news in the UK. I'm afraid I have no better idea than you of the cow-centric aspects of the article.
Welcome cow-fanciers everywhere. The call came this afternoon: “What about a new Mystic Moo column?” he said. Well you may not have noticed, mate, that now is not exactly the best time to be a cow. Cattle movements are restricted , which is playing havoc with Buttercup's line dancing classes, and as for the Shambo thing, well words fail me. So here I am, struggling to cope with all that bovine angst and you want a “humorous”column for some human magazine. Like I care about you lot!
Then the flannel started. "Your public need you, Mystic Moo. Spread cow wisdom. Help them realise the essential humanity of cows (excuse moo?). Be an ambassador for your species". And finally, to top it all, "There's a bottle of Bristol Cream in it for you". So I thought, maybe you do need some homespun heifer wisdom. But what to write about? Then Buttercup comes crashing through the byre door like a bull in a china shop (but not quite as sexy). “Oi, Moo” she says “I just checked my email and my booking for GenCow has arrived. Lend us your dice bag, old flower”.
Inspiration struck like an over-enthusiastic mozzie. The cow-vention season is upon us and Buttercup's getting all of a doo-dah over GenCow , the mother of them all and exclusively for those of a bovine persuasion. No humans allowed, so hard cheese.
I've asked old Butters to pick out some of the highlights of the event so you can see what you are missing. I've never really taken to White Wolf myself, but she reckons Friesian: The Milking is worth a go. She's also written a LARP, bless her. It's a Paranoia one where you have to work out who are the cows and who are the blokes from the department of agriculture. She's a bit keen on Battle Cattle as well, but if you ask me she's operating under false conciousness. Anyway, the mad cow is throwing things into a suitcase left, right and centre with two weeks to go. Talk about over-enthusiastic...
Then Hamish wanders in. Hamish is a nice bloke who self-identifies as a Hieland Coo. And today he's not happy. “Mystic Moo”, he says. "I've been thinking aboot whether tae go tae GenCoo and I'm wonderin' whether I'll have a guid time or whether I'd be better abidin' here in ma wee stall. How can I decide?"
No problem, Hamish. All you need to do is consult Mystic Moo's Convention Oracle.
Reach for your dice bag and roll 273 assorted dice. If you can do this without ransacking the house for dice just play Dogs in the Vineyard all convention long and you'll have a great time. If this presents a problem for you, go on to:
Add together the digits of your age in DD MM YYYY format. For example, Hamish was born on 25th April 2005, so 2+5+4+2+5=18. Then roll a D10 for your lucky number. Hamish rolled a six. 18+6=24. Then roll a D4 to balance your karma and deduct this from your total. Hamish rolled a three. 24-3=21. Finally, add the digits together to get your overall Oracle number. So Hamish's number is three. And before all you smartarse mathematicians write in to say this is simplistic, you try arithmetic with only two toes on each foot, and connecting with the universal whatnot at the same time!
Now you might be ready for Step Three, but frankly I'm not. All this number crunching really takes it out of a cow, so I'm getting Buttercup to stick the kettle on and Hamish has a tin of Hieland shortbread somewhere. Back in a mo.
Sorry for the gap in service. Someone mentioned drink and that old lush Marigold was right in there. Everyone knows she keeps a bottle of advocaat in her hayrack. Any minute now she'll start singing. If I hear My Heart Will Go On one more time I'm going to go postal. SHUT UP YOU DRUNKEN MOO! Right, I'll just dust the last few crumbs off my keyboard and here goes with:
Look up your Convention Oracle number on the table below to find out what will be your best Con experience this year, then re-roll and recalculate for your worst experience and once more for what will happen when your just can't take any more gaming.
In the next Mystic Moo column I thought I might deal with some of your gaming problems. If you have a particular issue of a New Age gaming nature, such as how to feng shui your dungeon or draw up a horoscope for your favourite troll email me care of Pelgrane Pres and I'll give you the bovine treatment.
Happy Conventioning and Moo for Now!
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All words and images are ©2003 Pelgrane Press. Based on the Dying Earth book series by Jack Vance. Produced and distributed by agreement with Jack Vance c/o Ralph Vicinanza.The Dying Earth Roleplaing GameandDying Earth Quick Start Rules are trademarks of Pelgrane Press. All rights reserved.